literature

The Night's Laughter (Poem based on FNaF)

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XXFanXofX4869XX's avatar
Published:
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Literature Text

I sit here, watching the screens
as the last of the shoppers leave the mall.
Midnight, with no more human contact.
There shouldn’t be anything left alive,
except perhaps the occasional mouse,
or the cockroach scurrying along the floor.

But I know. I know better.
There are things that are moving in here.
Those mannequins. Those evil, conspiring animatronics.
They disappear when I look away.
They grin at me when we lock eyes.
They pose and they prance in front of the cameras.

I used to think nothing of it. Now I know better.
They’re coming for me.
I can hear them. The laughter in the walls
as they stagger and crawl their way to me.
The night’s laughter will soon be filled
with the sounds of my last screams.
They’re coming.
Something I used for my Creative Writing class. Much as I disliked poems, I started opening up to them thanks to this class. Decided to use what I learned to write this poem....which turned out to be my best work in the class. 

I don't like something I'm good at. That feels very strange..... :hmm:
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AspenForest732's avatar
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

This is a pretty good poem. You convey a strong message of fear and leave reader jarred and on edge. However, the poem lacks any kind of structure other than 6-line stanzas. Free-verse can effectively communicate abstract ideas through the freedom of the author's own style, but the poem needs a driving factor, a heartbeat. You start to pick this up in the second stanza, but it never fully develops. If you were to edit this, I would switch most of it to short sentences like in the second stanza. This more effectively communicates the mood and will leave more of an impact on readers. Also, while you can remain in free verse, there should be some kind of rhythm (the short sentences would help). Try to picture exactly what the narrator is doing, thinking, and feeling. This helps me personally to really paint a picture for readers.